What’s up gamers, today I’m here to reminisce on the many romances of our favorite God of War, Kratos. When he’s not bulging out the eyes of a Greek God or ripping out the wings of a harpy, Kratos likes to test the waters of romance. Although, as we have all witnessed, it is never smooth sailing for our angry God of War. Here’s a few reasons in particular, you should never look to Kratos for advice in the area of love.
He’ll Tell You to Stab Your Date
Kratos is no stranger to stabbing people he cares for, just ask Athena. Or his ex-wife. I mean the guy even stabbed himself. If you were to be influenced by Kratos and happened to have a date that didn’t know how to chew properly. That is, they chewed like a cow. You may be tempted to reach over to your butter knife and stick a good one into them. Maybe even a fork. If you’re under Kratos’ wing anything is possible. Hell he stabbed two eyeballs out with his very fingers. FINGERS.
He’ll Tell You to Have Your Date Open Doors for You
Kratos is no stranger to using people to open his doors. Just ask the princess that was waiting in Poseidon’s Chamber. Kratos used her to hold up a crank that held two giant doors open. That was a real back breaker if you ask me. If you let Kratos tell you what to do, your date will be opening every door in sight. That would crush any date.
He Thinks Two is Better Than One
Let’s be real here. Kratos’ love life is no mystery. The man always has multiples of two. If you were to follow his path, you’d end up with two slaps across your face. Kratos does not believe in having simply one person on the table. Unless they’re the Goddess of Love of course.
Death is The Only Possible Resolution for an Argument
He will urge you to kill anyone that disagrees with you. Waiter recommended an Ale instead of IPA with your meal? Dead. Driver decided to go the long safe way instead of a shortcut? Dead. You asked for no sauce, but they brought it anyway on the side? Dead. Have you seen his history? Few that have even encountered Kratos have made it out alive.
Kratos has Trust Issues
Kratos is constantly on high alert. He has been betrayed countless times. He has been treated like trash and used. Kratos will definitely fill you with terrible ideas. You’ll be fidgeting by the end of his lecture. At dinner you’ll enter a panic whenever your date’s phone goes off. The waiter gave an extra friendly smile? They’re meeting up with your date after dinner, is what you would think. Kratos would be whispering in your ear “Betrayal, Betrayal, Betrayal”.
So next time you go on a date, make sure to stray away from any consultation Kratos has to offer. For the sake of your own well-being, and your date’s survival.